Our Man In Prison
Lucky & Rich:
These are actual letters (four of them written in an 18-hour period, and there were many, many others over a long span of time) from an incarcerated man to what used to be his boyfriend, until the object of his affections discovered that he was a burglar and was eventually caught by the police and put in prison.
Their names have been changed to protect their identities.
Thursday, December 15, 1988 2 AM
Hi there baby, I love you. Its very late, or actually very early right now, but I thought I would write you a few lines before I try to go to sleep.
I hate to say this baby, but your letter from last night really fucked me up. I was crying and throwing up so bad my bunky finally called the cop. He in turn called the MTA who came and got me.
He said, "Whats the problem?" and I gave him your letter. So we talked for a couple of hours, he gave me something for my stomach and to calm my nerves and now Im back.
He also said I should write you again, because god only knows what I sent out last night. He said the best thing I could do is write you the truth and you would either believe it or wouldnt. He said from the looks of your letter he was sure you loved me and that you would believe me. So Im supposed to stop panicking, write you a few lines and go to sleep. So here goes, baby.
Lucky, I dont want to lose you, or any part of you or our relationship. You have become so very many things to me, and each one of them is vital, necessary, and special to me. I would never do anything that could jeopardize that, never.
It hurts me so much to think that you are out there thinking I went out on you, or even was thinking about it. Because it just isnt true, pal. I love you just too, too, too fucking much. You must believe me when I say I have never slept with anyone else except you since the very day we met. I have not even had any interest in them and that is the honest to Gods truth.
Yes, I was going to Visions, but only for a drink and because Id never been there. I never even went inside the place. So please dont think there was anything else in my mind except a couple of drinks.
After that I was on my way to Tahoe and you. Not because I thought you were out fucking around, but because I didnt know what to think. Lets face it, you never went out on Friday or Saturday nights and here it was Wednesday and you werent there. I called 3 fucking times and finally just flipped. I mean it was totally out of character for what I had come to know as you. Now we know why, and thats because you were there the whole time.
The bottom line is that you have to know that you have nothing to worry about in the way of me cheating. You never have, and you never will, its as simple as that.
Which brings us to the next thing, and thats this cop. Is there something there baby? I need to know. I also need to know if you have slept with or fucked around with him, or anyone else for that matter since I met you that very first night in Sacramento. So please tell me, and dont bother sparing my feelings.
If its true, then tell me so now, and I can deal with it. Ill still love you, want you and need you for ever. I know that wont ever change. But I have to know now, and deal with it now. That way it can have been dealt with and gone before I get out. So please tell me the truth.
To be honest, I dont believe that you have. I think youre honest enough that you would have said something by now. At the same time, though, I see you out there hurt and mad thinking I went out on you or was going to. To top it off, you tell me you spent 8 hours talking with that cop. Jesus. I guess I can see how you thought I did something.
As a matter of fact, Im understanding it completely now. You thought that because I couldnt talk to you on the phone I thought you were out fucking around. So I in turn was going to get even so to speak. Thats it isnt it? Well, pal, Im sorry to say thats not how I work, its just not my style.
Well, baby, its very late and this stuff they gave me to calm me down is working. So Im going to bring this to a close for now.
All that is really important baby is the plain and simple fact of how very much we love each other. It doesnt matter to me what you have done, because all I think about it us and our future.
I think of how it will be to make love with you again. How it will be to spend the rest of my life with you growing old. You know what baby? I like what I see, and Im very happy and content with it and it being just you and you alone.
What we had out there was very special and unique. It only comes around to a few select people GOD picks, and it only comes around once. Well baby, youre it, and that makes me so very happy.
Ill write more tomorrow, and dont worry about me. Ill be OK now, I guess I just went into one of my panics. So until tomorrow my love, remember how very much I love you. Its deep and its forever. That will never ever change as long as I breathe and I can promise you that. I love and miss you very much, so much that it hurts me. You are in my thoughts constantly, from the minute I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Then the dreams come, and in some ways I like them the best.
So remember baby, I love you, and it is forever...
All My Love,
Thursday, December 15, 1988 8 a.m.
Hi there baby and good morning. Actually this is a terrible morning, at least for me.
I want to go home now. I have to see you and talk with you. I need to touch you and make love with you. I miss you so bad right now, and its hurting me not to see you.
Whenever I think I have my emotions under control, they suddenly come back twice as intense. Sometimes I dont know if I can make it. But then I think of you again, and I know I just have to. I have to get out of this place and come home to you.
God how I hope and pray everything works out OK in Lassen County. I cant bear to think of all this shit lasting any longer than spring. All I want is to go home, and I want to do it fucking now.
Im scared again, too, baby. Im so very scared. I dont know why, because Lassen County has no burglary case. But I guess theres always that chance, and it scares me. Why doesnt that DA just let it all go and let me get on with my life?
Well, I guess were back to "lets wait and see." Jesus, I hate the waiting most of all. Well my love, Ill stop for now and write some more later.
Remember always how very, very much I love you. Youre everything to me, and without you I am nothing. I love you with all of my heart and more than life itself. Please never, ever doubt that, because it is the truest feeling of all, and it comes from my heart. I love you, I want you, I need you, I must have you back in my life, full time and for ever. So until later, always know those things. They never cease, and never will. I love you...xxxoooxxxooo Rich
Thursday, December 15, 1988 Noon
Hi there sex kitten, how are you? Myself, I guess I am doing a little better. At least I seem to have gotten some of my emotions back under control.
Anyways, I thought I might write you a few lines and answer that statement in your letter. OK?
At the end of your letter you said to "keep you encouraged." To let you know everyday how much I love you. That, "it was like fuel" to you and just because I say one day, not to forget to say it the next.
Well, baby, all I can say to that is, I know. Thats one of the reasons I write to you at least twice a day. Just so youll always know youre in my mind and in my heart. Also though because it helps me to talk to you on this paper. It gets me from one day to the next.
Theres one other thing too though baby, and thats that I need it too. More than you can possibly believe I need to know my love with you is secure. That nothing and no one is going to change it.
So dont forget about me baby, because I need it just as much. In some ways maybe even more. OK?
The bottom line is that you dont ever need to worry about me "forgetting" to tell you how very much I love you. Your love for me and my love for you is all that gets me from one day to the next. Without it baby, I wouldnt even try. So youll always be able to find at least a few "I love yous" in every letter.
How could I have someone as beautiful and special as you, and forget to tell them I loved them? It just isnt going to happen. OK?
Well, thats all I want to say for right now. Ill write more this evening before I drop this in the mail. I hope you got some of my letters today. Maybe it was just the weekend traffic that did it in the mail room. Even though I mail a letter on Saturday, and another one on Sunday, I dont think they even get processed until Monday. Anyways, let me know if youre getting all these OK or not.
I hope youre having a nice day, even though Im sure my short call to you yesterday probably threw you into a state, so to speak.
I love you baby and Im missing you very bad today. I need to be able to see and talk with you soon. God how I need to see you.
So until later, take care of yourself, stay out of trouble and please be good. Im thinking about you every minute of every day, it never ever stops.
I love you baby, with all my heart and soul, I love and miss you. So dont you forget it. ;-)
All My Love,
Thursday, December 15, 1988 7:00 p.m.
Hi there pumpkin, how are you? Hopefully all the letters you should have gotten on Tuesday and Wednesday came to you today. Otherwise I know youre probably not doing so well. That still really pisses me off when I think about your not getting my letters. Im sure it will be OK, it just pisses me off. Anyways, lets talk some business for a few minutes. OK?
Hopefully they will come and get me for the trip to Lassen County within the next week. If they dont, then it may not be until after the New Year. One thing I will promise you is the minute I get there I will call you on the phone. OK?
Theyre not as lax with the calls as Reno was, but I will be able to make a call or two. Unfortunately, once I get there I will be back to square one. You see, when I leave here, they will make me put all of my property in R & R. So in reality Ill walk into Lassen County Jail without so much as even a toothbrush. But we can figure that out once I get there.
The best thing about this is that it will force Lassen County to either press the charges or drop them all together. I suppose if they press the charge, then we can draw it out and Ill do my violation there. After the violation is up, then we can post bail. I somehow dont think it will go that far though. They just dont have a very good case for a conviction. Although if they were to come at me and offer me a deal such as a trespassing charge or some other kind of a misdemeanor I would probably be inclined to take it. Any kind of a burglary conviction is in no way acceptable though. But you already know that.
I guess well just have to wait and see what happens. Anyways, we should look at this as a good thing. As long as Fr. Pat goes in and says something to the effect of "everything is OK, and it may have been just a misunderstanding," then shit baby, not only will the DA back up, but the board itself may give me a minimum violation. So have Fr. Bill talk with Fr. Pat quick. OK? Enough of all that, though.
You know when I talked with you on the phone yesterday? Im really sorry I had to be so quick. Please believe it was not because of me or any wishes. The guy was just in a hurry and really couldnt have given me a call in the first place. Boy did he look at me funny when I said, "I love and miss you a lot." Oh, well. I figured it really doesnt matter. Also who knew when I would be able to say it to you on the phone again. So I said it for you baby.
Right now Im in my cell (as usual) and Im waiting for mail call. We also shower tonight. Thats when Ill mail this letter to you. Hopefully mail call will come fast enough that I am able to answer some of any letter I may get from you. If not though, know that I will answer your letter tonight and youll get it the day after you get this. OK?
I cant wait to get out and start life over again with you. We are going to have such a good life. Whenever I think of having you to grow old with I become so very, very happy. We just fit together so perfectly. Im not just talking about in bed either. Although we fit together there real good too. ;-) I was talking about how well we get along. We can be doing anything, anywhere, and we look like we were born doing it together. Thats a special thing baby.
I am never going to let you go pal. You are mine for life and its just as simple as that. We are going to be together, in the same bed, and making love until the day we die.
None of this you have your room and I have mine bullshit. I want us to have our room and our bed. Because we are going to have a good old-fashioned marriage baby. Every time I think of it I get excited and so very happy. I tell you I just cant wait!
Hey baby. You know the card you sent me that I got yesterday? The black one with the piggy bank on it and all the hearts going into it, that says "Im saving all my love for you." Well, I was just wondering why you didnt write anything inside it like you do all the others. Was there a reason? Or did you just somehow forget?
Hey! Guess what? I just got your letter, or actually a card from you that you put in the mail on Tuesday the 13th. I guess that our mails just a little slow with the holidays right now. Anyways, in this card you wrote all over the place. ;-)
Thanks so very much the beautiful cards you always send me. They mean so very much to me that you cant even imagine. I was thinking that when I get out I may put them all together and make something neat out of them. Like a huge collage or something. Anyways, I just wanted you to know how very much I appreciate the card and letters.
By the way, all this time has counted for anything Lassen may do. They have to give me credit for every day Ive done while they have had that hold on me. Which is ever since day one. In all honesty though I dont see them being able to give me any time at all. OK?
Did I tell you today how very much I love you? Yes, Im sure I did, but, oh well. You are special enough you should hear it 100 times a day. ;-) You know baby, right now I feel really good. Your cards and letters do that to me.
Anyways, I wanted to say Im sorry for the first part of this letter and whatever I sent you yesterday. Your letters just have such a powerful impact on me and the one I got yesterday just freaked me out. So Im sorry.
Please dont change how you write your letters either. You simply wrote down your honest feelings, and thats what is most of all important. So dont change. OK? I would hate that even worse.
Also, you dont need to answer that question about whether you have slept with that cop or anyone else since we have met. Not only is it not important, I already know the answer. So dont worry about it. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed I even asked you that. So please accept my apology. OK baby? Please?
We have to try and get them this in one piece, together. I know we can if we try. I also know it will make us so very close in the end. We will have a bond closer than any two lovers on earth baby.
Of course, were going to have our days then this thing. What we have to do is not flip out an jump to conclusions. Like you did with the police report, and like I did after I read your letter. Most of all baby, we have to take everything and learn and grow from it. After that, we will be absolutely invincible!
I need to bring this to a close because showers are soon and I want this to get in the box by my own personal hands. Also I think 18 pages is more than enough for one letter. Of course, this letter did start at 2:00 a.m. today.
Anyways, remember how very much I love you all the time. Whenever you sit back and dream, know in your heart that I am in a cell at that very moment and Im probably writing you. One thing is for damn sure, and thats that I am thinking about you. Why? Because I think of you all day long every day of the week. Thats why.
Take care of yourself baby, stay out of trouble and be good. I love and miss you with all my heart baby. You are everything to me and you always will be. We are going to be together forever. Just you and me, and it will be forever. Know it and feel it, because I do.
So until tomorrow...I love you...and...I miss you...with all my heart...and...all my soul...Never forget that. I love you baby! ;-) I LOVE YOU!!
All My Love
PS. Yes, I am still exercising, but dont worry. I wont get like old Schwarzenegger. Im just going to get perfect so youll never ever see anything better. ;-) I also want you to feel like youre getting something from this very expensive date. ;-) I love you baby. I love you.